Some people plan their writing hiatuses, some don’t. I’m obviously the latter type of person. My preference is to post here a few times per week as it suits my schedule, but I’m also quite the slave to my own emotional state. Depression for me doesn’t really manifest as outright sadness a lot of the time. Instead, it bubbles underground as a lack of motivation and exhaustion at the thought of trying to accomplish anything (even something fun – like watching anime and talking about it with my readers and friends). I especially struggle when I compare myself to others who are much more consistent than I am, because I get this nagging feeling that there’s just something wrong with me.
There are plenty of reasons to feel sad in life (just like there are many reasons to be happy), but when sadness hits one’s fandom space, a space to which one normally escapes the world’s problems, that can feel especially brutal. I’ve already talked a bit about the KyoAni arson attack and don’t necessarily want to talk much more about it, but it hit me very hard and the ripples of that initial shock and sadness are still lingering. Now that the names of those who lost their lives have started to trickle out, the wounds feel fresh again. It’s difficult to want to spend a lot of time online when every moment is another chance to learn about something upsetting.
I’ve also recently been separated from my most faithful writing partner, caffeine. Without getting too far into it, I’m starting on a medication protocol (a temporary one, thank goodness!) where I can’t have caffeine at all – not even chocolate, tea, or decaffeinated coffee. I was only ever a 1-cup-per-day coffee drinker, but that amount was always enough to help me get focused on what I was doing, whether that be work or writing. Now, even though I’ve tried to make some other healthier changes to my diet, I feel like I’m in a mental fog most of the time. Water (even bougie sparkling water) just doesn’t provide the same mental sharpness stat bonus as a warm cup of black coffee. On the other hand, my sleep schedule has been a bit more consistent as of late, so I guess there are still upsides to this minor amount of suffering.
I think the biggest consequence of these unplanned breaks is that I’m still connected enough to the internet anime fandom to watch the world going by. We’re now 4 or 5 episodes into the current anime season, and there’s a large part of me that would really love to be keeping up with some of the anime series I’ve been hearing about for the past several weeks. On the other hand, watching ahead makes it much more difficult to post a “first impression” of something – it’s not really my initial impression if I already know what the quality level is like and what happens later on. I also sometimes have the urge to just go hide away from anime – last weekend I took a day and went up North “to the lake” to clear my head (note: going to a crowded tourist town makes chilling-out a little bit challenging, just FYI) and I spent Sunday playing Minecraft rather than dealing with anything anime related. As someone with an occasionally avoidant personality, this fits right in with my mental health history, but it doesn’t serve this website very well.
Or does it? I think we all need a break from certain things, including our hobbies. Taking a brief hiatus, whether planned or not, can be an opportunity to re-think certain things, to re-focus, or just to take a mental break and come back with renewed energy. I used to beat myself up for taking time away without planning it, but just like taking a random day off from work when the opportunity presents itself, dropping everything and walking away from the keyboard can be healing in its own way. I know that the anime will still be there waiting for me when I get back, and the fandom is thriving whether I’m talking about it or not.
In any case, thanks for the opportunity to ramble a bit. If my post volume drops off inexplicably, it’s probably just due to one of the aforementioned reasons. Sometimes it’s nice to just take a long break!